A LITTLE FAITH WILL GO FARTHER THAN DOUBT EVER WILL [entries|friends|calendar]
maybe_baby731

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(SPEAK)

here we go.. (ps i love 'The Holiday' just sayin) [08 Feb 2010|05:17am]
so im no longer in school. i dont want to go through all of the greuling details, but its whats right for me right now.
its pretty scary right now having no idea what im going to do with my life. but really, when do you ever know how your life is going to turn out?
you dont.
you just have to try your best, and just do what feels right.
so thats exactly what im going to do.
i need to organize my life, and start to test the waters, and do what makes me happy.
im tired of not trying hard enough.
i want to to better, and be better.
i want to wake up in the morning and be able to say "yeah, im doing well. i like my life, i like myself"
id be lying if i said my life wasnt boring.

i tend to think about my life on a daily basis as if it were a movie.
strange, i know. but whatever.
ill sit there day dreaming about what i want my life to be like, sometimes ill catch myself actually believing its real.
but then i snap back, and realize that if my real life were a movie, i wouldnt even be the main character.
so i have to start being the leading lady of my own life.
the powerhouse. 


so it starts now.
are you ready?

(SPEAK)

atleast you had the oportunity to get your heart broken [24 Jan 2010|05:52pm]

im  a little disgusted by my life.
i think its a little empty.
every time i try to make friends, im always the second choice, if that.
im okay, im there if you need me, but only if you have to.
i dont know what it is about me that pushes people away.
i have such a positive attitude when im really trying, which i do.
i try so hard.
the past 5 months i have changed a lot. i have come out of my shell so much more and faced a couple of my fears.
and even through all of that people dont care.
if this is me becoming who i am, i dont know what to make of it.
i was so happy up until about 3 weeks ago. i had never been so okay with myself.
then of course things slowly fell apart again like they always do.
but if people are seeing the real me now, as i am myself... and they still dont care, what is left for me to do?

i dont have any friends.
i mean i have "friends"
but im never anyone's go to person. the person someone trusts the most. the first person someone thinks of when they want to have fun. the first person someone thinks of to invite somewhere, or whatever.
i have friends who are aquaintances. but there is always someone in everyones life who they care about more than me.
that sounds pretty selfish, but dont i have a right to be?
dont i have a right to want someone to love me? am i allowed to want to be wanted around?
im always thought of last.

its heartbreaking to me because of all the bullshit i went through in highschool... losing friendships i put my whole heart into, losing parts of my family, slowly falling into that deep depression i was once in. the depression that still hovers over me, waiting for me to trip...
i ALWAYS told myself, every day.
"forget about these people kaitlyn, they are stupid highschool kids. save your heart for the friends that will really stick around. youll make so many more friends who will care when you are in college. college will matter. stick it out. youll make it through highschool. the rest will be better"

well guess what? its not.

how pathetic is it that i cant make friends? i used to make them all the time when i felt most alone.
i would latch onto anyone who showed an ounce of kindness to me, and those friendships turned out pretty good.... until they ended.
so how come now that im more confident and sure of who i am becoming... i feel almost more alone?
it makes no sense to me.

im tired of letting people down. im tired of letting myself down. im tired of being unhappy. im tired of being alone.
im tired of people rolling their eyes whenever im upset. "same old bullshit"
no one takes me seriously. no one wants me in their life.

apparently im not worth fighting for.
so why am i fighting?
 


(SPEAK)

undecided [21 Jan 2010|03:13am]
[ mood | gloomy ]


I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I have been through way worse. I'm just not happy. I'm satisfied. And for me, that's a success. But I think Im at the point now where that just isnt enough. My life is lacking in so many places. Im not happy with the way that I look, I have yet to have any contact of any kind with a guy sice I have been at college... My dad and I are broke. I dont have ayone I can cll a best friend, and I also dont have anyone I can call a mother.

Its bad. Its at the point now where I sometimes / most times forget she exists. She forgot about me, and stopped caring. I guess Im just returning the favour.

With anyone else in my life, I have to work to hold a grudge. But with my mom I dont even have to try. I dont even know who she is. I dont think I ever really did.

ANYWAYS

I dont know why Im such a chicken shit to do things I want to in my life.
Yes I do.
Rejection.

The typical girl will say "Ive been rejected so many times by guys, so Im afraid Ill get hurt again"
... I havent gotten hurt by a guy. I havent even had that opportunity. I have always had way too many things going on in my life to even think about guys. Up until about a year ago, I was too depressed to even care if I had friends, let alone a boyfriend.
But when youve been rejected by a member of your family... someone who is supposed to take care of you, and love you no matter what...
that effects you more than any guy, more than any love will ever effect you.
So when it comes to guys, I have nooo clue where to begin. Im not afraid to admit that Im AFRAID to do anything.

But its not only with guys.
I just need to start doing things and stop caring about the stupid stuff. Im only going to fuck myself over in the end if I dont.
If only things werent so hard, if things didnt pile up all the time. But I guess thats life.
I need some motivation.
I need to stop being scared.
I need a friend.

(SPEAK)

:/ [12 Jun 2009|09:32pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

i have the shittiest friends
one who holds a grudge over something i should be mad at her for,
one who acts like im nothing and lies to me
and a few who basically ignore me

just wonderful

people need to grooooow up and get tougher skin
for fuck sakes

(5 spokens | SPEAK)

lol [08 Jan 2009|02:49pm]
the stuff written from before
is super super old
so dont judge me by it haha cause yea, its from like 4 yrs ago
kcool

(2 spokens | SPEAK)

to all those who dont believe i cant be strong? [24 Jan 2008|03:10pm]
 dont tell me how im supposed to act because of my past 
im pretty sure i can get by making decisions of my own
you have no right to judge, 
all you have to do is look in the mirror, and youre no better 
bottom line being, i think highly of myself now 
so if you even doubt for a second that ill make it 
you couldnt be more than wrong

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

gfsd [10 May 2007|11:18pm]
even just your eyes are accusing
i keep to myself because theres no where else to go,
no one to tell, no one to understand
i want to tell you, but maybe ill just
 write about it instead
i never pictured myself as this person
vidions of the past are cast on the wall in shadows
brings me to tears
i turn off the light to erase them all
if only if only
youve lost your chance

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

agerhewheh [10 May 2007|11:13pm]

lets move on, but watch your step
not to fall this time
they say theres always tomorrow
but with you, all the days
morph together into one
like there'll never be a new day
a new smile, a new you...

everytime i revisit the past;
a quiver of my lip
a tear down my cheek
a piece of my heart

i hate the way you smile
because its only for a while, and only when i pretend
theres no making you happy
the feeling's mutual.
just let go.
because there will never again be a time when i will play forgiveness

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

gfagsah [10 May 2007|11:11pm]
as a fool in your eyes
ive lost the will to even care
to even try
to even speak
to even think
its your opinion, or none at all i guess
never again will i pity you
or fake a smile
fake the words
fake a heart
never again will i speak to you
with that monotone
i wont be the same
you dont deserve me
choke on your words
and take your own advice
i hope you regret the person you are
because the only think ill ever regret
is you being a part of me

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

vreheahag [10 May 2007|11:05pm]

dont worry about me
dont bother wasting time
ill get by on my own
ill keep my dreams of wanting more
than sympathy to myself.
im tired of ayou asking if im okay
when you know im not

i shouldnt need to be afraid when you walk into the room
i shouldnt be afraid to cry ,
because thats weakness in your eyes
i shouldnt want to dissappear
whenever i hear your voice
i shouldnt need to avoid your drama
but it seems i have no choice

i dont know why i stick around
i dont know why i fall back to you every time...
why i put on a happy face
when im far from okay
so ill keep pretending
and keep fading
after all, your feelings are all that matter

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

asdfghjkl; [11 Apr 2007|03:46pm]
i could write you a letter and make you think
i could sing you a song and blow you away
i could tear out my heart and place it in your hands
i could do a million things within my power, but would you care?
youll never come to understand
that youre my every thought; my every reason
the first thing i think about when i wake up in the morning
and my last smile before shuteye
i can only hold onto imagined hope..
so ill keep my pens, and my paper
ill save my breath, ill save my heart
ill keep quiet...
...i just wont start

(2 spokens | SPEAK)

asdgfghgjhkjl [11 Apr 2007|03:44pm]

i know youre right.
i know what i think is wrong.
drowning in my fears as i regain my composure, you know ill be okay.
the comfort of not seeing you keeps me at peace.
because i know i cant get hurt again when im standing at a distance
maybe one day youll notice me
maybe my dreams will all come true
the dreams i force myself to have; because dreaming's better than reality
lay my head on my pillow,
leave me to rest from a long days heartbreak
do not wake me. do not pinch me.
because i know once my eyes meet reality again,
itll just be the same old me, the same old you

i cant fucking do what i want to
sfiuhgaskugfhaskj

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

asdfghjkl [11 Apr 2007|03:40pm]
lets stay up past curfew and stare at te stars
lets make wishes on every one until we reach zero
then we can stand together and watch them all come true
new things will come flying through
all your wishes worked out for the best
so did mine.
but my many wishes were repetative.
i made only one.
again and again until the sun shinded through,
the light that brought me ever so slowly to my only one,
you.

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

asdfghjkl;' [11 Apr 2007|03:38pm]
let these three words be your reasons to stay
will you get over the difference? or will it all just be history repeating?
boiled up proportions now settle and simmer
new opportunities, possibilities and changes swarm my every part
like gravity, the ups and downs are okay with me.
 anything is becoming possible.
dreams come true, out of the blue
help me count the minutes until were together
its only a matter of time

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

asdfghjkl;' [11 Apr 2007|03:32pm]
i dont know what im doing wrong
even though im told im so right
i try so hard but i am only left with a shadow
im left with a reflection, an impression, a story
i never get to experience things for myself
like a narrative, my life goes on from start to finish;
almost as if i have no say at all
you can have a piece of my heart
lend it, use it, love it, lose it.
it makes no difference to me
because clearly im just the backdrop,
the sun that shines for you to see,
the one that will always want to be...
want to be what you need to feel complete.
to cross the t's and dot the i's
and not just be the lines on the paper where you write your story

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

asdfghjkl [11 Apr 2007|03:20pm]

let love speak for your life
so close yet so far away
im blinded by something incomplete
maybe its just the adrenaline rush
maybe im bored of the lack of drama
maybe its you, maybe its me
maybe its us
baby its you and me
today will be yesterday tomorrow
so lend me your lips

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

i make you think hard [04 Apr 2007|08:51pm]

i want your love
youre constantly on my mind,
will you take my love?
it wont cost much, just your voice
total opposites,
you are black, i am white
together we will soon fade to grey
because imagining is everything
and knowings not hard
i just wish i hadnt made the mistake
of not speaking when i did

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

i never knew i could be this violent [23 Mar 2007|03:30pm]

you can look at me from across the room
you can give me your dirty looks,
and take your doubtful breaths
just do it as you please
but do it knowingly;
knowing i sit in serenity with a clear conscience
with a team at my back
im loved for my beliefs and opinions, not for false asumptions
im not unworthy, i dont slack
so dont treat me as unsignificant
lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling as the tables turn
ive always been ready, and once im able,
 ill stand above your overwhelming expectations
youll hang by a thread as my words echoe
as solo as youll be, you can save your fucking self
im not trying anymore
then maybe youll see what its like to stuggle to get up
with a knife in your back;
to to be kicked when youre down,
and lied to your face

tripping on your every word

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

. [22 Mar 2007|09:21pm]

some secrets ill always keep
past attempts to connect have only failed me,
so why waste my time
i wont waste my chance to rise above you
but go ahead and tell me im wrong
in one ear and out the other; thatll be
just like what you did to me 

i wont miss you when im gone
ill be careless of your feelings, just like you were to mine
or will i?
ill show you up and have success
my life wont be a fucked up mess 
the words ill speak will be listened to 

just scream hallelujah that i didnt follow in your footsteps,
tell the world that looks down on me that i was misjudged
that world you created out of your own denial
so announce it now
but itll be in one ear and out the other
no one will forgive you,
now you have to make up for lost time,

(1 spoken | SPEAK)

child games [22 Mar 2007|04:35pm]

The best of me
Is all I want for you to see
You look right through
And conclude
Without knowing the story

I don't understand.
Give me pity, call me names
Play along to child games

Child games
The ones we knew
The things we were all taught to do;
To tie our shoes
To comb our hair
Don't point fingers; not to stare

But things have changed
And now the rules
Have been lost, forgotten, re-arranged

Put down those who aren't like you
Fight when theres nothing else to do
Abuse our elders, and their ways
Expect the worst
As we count the days

If it'll change, we'll never know
For when our children start to grow
We shouldn't want for this to be
I know I don't, so come with me

To ignore the stereotype
To IGNORE the stereotype
I am, I am
And you know what
I know right from wrong!

I tie my shoes
I brush my hair
I don't point fingers anywhere

In conclusion I have to say
That how I am will stay this way
If you don't like it, that's your choice
But I don't care to hear that voice

 


This poem was written in like 10 minutes, and yeah it basically sucks
but the point is, Im sick of people ragging on me and pushing me aside
I DO exist you know
Thanks 
So just know;
This kid's grown up…
But I'll always colour outside the lines.

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